How to start the conversation

Maintaining trust and open dialogue is important when it comes to discussing substance use with your friend or family member.

While you might be worried, it’s best to not breach their privacy or trust by searching their things for evidence of alcohol and other drug use or trying to find proof through their social media accounts, email or other communication, or financial records.

This can create an environment of mistrust and damage your opportunity to have honest conversations.⁴

For a productive conversation, arrange a suitable time to talk. It can be helpful to pick a time and space that is:

• private
• safe
• quiet and relaxed
• free from interruptions
• less intimidating – like going for walk, sitting side-by-side, or while you’re driving.

It’s also important to pick a time when they aren’t under the influence of alcohol and other drugs.

To set up your conversation time, try a general, friendly invitation, for example:

• "We haven’t spent much time together recently, how do you feel about going for a drive?"
• "I’ve noticed you’ve been inside a lot lately, did you want to come for a walk and get some fresh air?"
• "I was hoping that you might have time for us to have a chat later on."⁴

Many experts agree that problems with alcohol and other drugs should not always be measured by how much, how many, or what types of drugs someone is using.⁵

A better measurement is how that use is affecting someone’s life, and the lives of those around them.

Here are some examples of what you could ask to find out how drug use is affecting your friend or family member:

• "I’m worried about you; I’ve noticed you’ve been drinking a bit more recently. How’s that been affecting you?"
• "I care about you and can see you haven’t been going to school/uni/work as much. Why do you think that is?"
• "I’ve noticed a few changes in you lately, you seem to be down and not sleeping as much, what’s going on for you?"

The following general tips, can help you navigate a tricky conversation about AOD with someone you care about.

• Focus on behaviour, health, and wellbeing.
• Try to avoid judgement.
• Don’t make accusations or exaggerate the situation.
• Avoid confronting or sensationalist language.
• Actively listen to their thoughts, feelings and opinions.
• Ask calm and respectful questions, using ‘I’ statements. For example: I think, I believe, I feel, I would like, etc.
• Ask them what role their alcohol or other drug use is playing in their life? This can help you understand what else might be going on for them.^4,5

Here are some examples to help guide you:

• "I feel worried about your drug use."
• "Thank you for sharing why you’re using drugs, that helps me understand. I’m curious though, what are some of the things you don’t like so much about drugs?"
• "It sounds like there’s a lot going on for you, have you been using drugs and alcohol to help you cope?"
• "I care about you, so I’m wondering if there have been any times where you have been worried about your health or safety?"
• "It sounds like this has been going on for quite some time, have you ever talked to anyone else about this or reached out for support?"

Remember that conversations about alcohol and other drugs can be ongoing. If they’re not ready to talk right now you can let them know you’re happy to talk another time, check in on them later, or offer to help them find someone else to talk to.⁶

This can look like:

• "I can see that you’re upset and that’s understandable, could we find another time to chat?"
• "It’s ok if you’re not ready to talk to me, would you like me to help you find someone you would feel more comfortable with?"

What is a boundary?

Well, one definition is placing a limit or expectation on what is reasonable behaviour, without shaming or attacking the other person. Boundaries are necessary in all kinds of relationships.⁷

Establishing clear boundaries can:

• encourage accountability and respect
• help people to co-exist
• maintain healthy relationships
• manage conflict.

You could set clear, workable boundaries around what is and what is not OK in your home, space and relationship. This could include establishing boundaries around having or using alcohol and other drugs in the home, or whether you want to give/lend them money.^7,8

Each boundary will be unique to you, your situation, and your friend or family member.

When setting a boundary, it can help to think about:

• What is the issue or concern?
• What would you like to achieve with the boundary?
• Your motive:
  – is it a clear and thought-out response or an emotional response?
• How will you establish the boundary clearly?
• How will you try to be consistent and review the boundary?
• How will everyone in the home or group maintain the boundary?
• What will be the outcome of breaking the boundary?